Hard Conversations, Made Easy

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Hi everybody. I'm so happy to uh happy to get to talk with you today. Uh really one of my favorite fun topics of course

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is uh hard conversations. Uh everybody's favorite topic, right? Uh so so uh you know certainly um you know drop it in

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the chat if you if you if you love uh have hard conversations. I don't expect to see very many very many hands raised or emojis on that one. So, uh, but

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really really great to talk with you all. Um, we're going to talk a little bit today about, um, making hard conversations, uh, with your staff or

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between your staff, um, a little bit easier. And so, um, I will we're going to we're going to just jump right into it. So, my name is Karen Borchert, um,

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as you, as you may know, um, and I am the founder and CEO here at Alpaca. Um but for this for this exact session, a

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lot of the experience that I am drawing from on this session is actually in my former role. Uh so I used to be the the chief operating officer of a company

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called Flywheel, a technology company uh here also in Omaha, Nebraska. And a lot of my work and a lot of my role there um

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was built on building and growing high trust and highly aligned teams. And it was very often my job to help facilitate

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uh really hard conversations uh among staff or between staff and their managers or managers and their staff um or managers with one another. So um I've

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had the um opportunity to to have a lot of practice at that and also um read and learn a lot of the best practices out

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there. So um so I'm excited to be here and grateful that you're here. Um so I'm going to just keep on going. So we're going to do a quick little warm-up. Um,

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so conflict resolution uh conversations are are really works of empathy and that's um and that is that's something

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that that um that we you know are kind of going to think about as part of the the way that we go forward here that as we think about conflict resolutions as

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we think about um as we think about uh the idea of a hard conversation thinking about each hard conversation as an act

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of empathy um is where we're going to start. So, um, so quick warm-up. Um, raise your hand or add an emoji. Um, if you have a hard conversation on the

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calendar, um, or if you should have a hard calendar, uh, if you should have a hard conversation on the calendar. Um,

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and if you want to, uh, you know, or let us know kind of when, uh, when or what the last, uh, the, you know, the last tough conversation was um, that you can

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think of that you had to have um, on your team. Feel free to jump that into chat. I know it can be a sensitive topic um but this is um it is a sensitive

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topic and it's can be hard to chat about. So wanted to open that up and make sure people feel and know that you're safe to talk about um that that

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very topic here. So um I I can't of course see the chat. Um but but if anybody's Alyssa if anybody's lighting that up with all their discussion of their hard conversations, let me know.

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Uh awesome. Uh okay. So, knowing knowing that it's a tough topic. We're just going to keep moving. Uh, okay. So, here's what we're going to talk about today. Uh, we're going to start.

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There's, you know, hard conversation being made easier. Um, takes a little time. It's kind of a long and winding path. Uh, so we're going to show we're

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going to take us our ourselves along that path today. Um, and see what we can do. So, the first the we're going to start with what the research says and what we learned from the school culture

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report about how school leaders feel about conflict resolution and about hard conversations. Um, and then we're going to we're going to kind of get more

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foundational and talk really um, quickly about kind of what's the most important thing to remember when you're thinking about hard conversations and how do we

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think about that. Um, then we're going to we're going to kind of continue on that winding path and talk about a framework um, that we can use every time

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when we're having hard conversations with our our teams. And then most importantly, because you don't want to have to always be the one that's having

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hard conversations, um how can I teach others to have hard conversations with one another um where you don't have to

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be involved? Um so we're going to talk about all those things today. Um and we'll um we'll jump right into the first one, uh which is what does the research

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say? Um so a little bit about what we learned um in the school culture report um is that you know conflict resolution

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is nobody's favorite thing. Uh it's but it's also a place where generally there's a decent amount of confidence um among school leaders about having to do

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this. I think that this is and and the data would show that this is often because you just have to do it pretty often. Um you kind of get a lot of

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practice at at dealing with uh staff members who um are in conflict with one another or who are just really worn down

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um at work or who are having trouble with families um with students. there's just kind of a lot of opportunities in the school for for hard conversations.

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Uh if if anybody wants to uh drop in the chat the things that the kind the area of um hard conversations that they have

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the most of um would love to would love to kind of know that and understand how how you all think about that as well. So um is it is it families and parents? Is

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it um students and behaviors? Is it staffto staff interactions? um what what are the kinds of things that really um that really you know light up your hard

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conversation uh to-do list uh on a regular basis.

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Uh so a couple of key insights that that we have um is you know just from from that data again uh I'm just going to see

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if I can clip there. There we go. Um is that you know nearly 90% of leaders really prefer handling conflict um through really direct one-on-one

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conversations. Uh so and I think a lot of us do, right? It's natural to want to just have the conversation individually rather than addressing a

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whole team or um kind of making a big deal about it. Um but again, those one-on-one conversations can be difficult. Um the second insight is that

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um leaders increasingly describe their work as crisis management and emotional labor um and making difficult conversations more frequent. So, kind of

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like we were just saying, um there just seemed to be a lot more opportunities these days um for for having to kind of work through those hard conversations.

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Um and the third insight that we saw is that strong strong conflict resolution practices are closely tied to trust, vulnerability and curiosity um and not

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policies or procedures. So there like so much um in in school and and school leadership and management um there's

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there's so much that is really about the relationship um more than it is about a specific program or policy that's being

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put um that's being put in place. Um so and if that resonates with you, you know, I'd love to to hear hear your

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thoughts on that in the chat as well. Um oops. Um, a couple ideas that we that we heard um and we we've heard from some

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some of our our leaders that we've met with um is that are are here that we saw in that in that data. Um start difficult

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conversations with curiosity questions rather than conclusions. Uh we're going to talk a little bit about that.

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Normalize respectful disagreement during meetings and collaborative work. So helping um it be that that it doesn't always have to be a hard conversation just because two ideas are in conflict.

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uh model vulnerability by acknowledging mistakes or uncertainty as a leader. Uh creating structured opportunities for

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mediation before issues escalate and reinforce shared values and team commitments uh during conflict

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discussions. So all great um thoughts and and sort of insights from our leaders through the report. We're going to talk today a little bit about how to

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actually get some of those things um really into place.

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So, next on the list um is as we think about conflict resolution, we think about um about these hard conversations is what's the most important thing?

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What's the foundational work uh to keep in mind when it comes to thinking about having hard conversations or resolving

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conflict with your staff? Um just just for fun uh before before we before I I reveal uh it uh there's one word that

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matters the most uh when it comes to when it comes to having a really hard conversation. I'd love it. Uh I may I might ask Alyssa to even read a few out

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for me if that's okay. But drop it in the chat. What do you think is the one word that matters the most um as it relates to as it relates to hard conversations?

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All right. I have listening, trust, respect, trust, respect,

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understanding, transparency, empathy, curiosity, trust, dign dignity, value. Do you want me to keep going?

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No, you're doing great. That was awesome. I also suppose that I could just have people unmute if they want to do wants to talk about any of those things. But, uh, thank you for that,

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Alyssa. Appreciate that. Uh so so many of you got uh it exactly the way. Um and there's one word that matters and that

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is trust. Um and really you know that's that's that can sound like um almost you know kind of trivial or like oh yeah everybody knows um trust is really

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important. Um but when it comes to hard conversations it is really an investment in you know trust. Trust now makes hard

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conversations easier in the future. So um this is from a a a company and a program called Better Culture. Um if you haven't heard of them, they are really

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fantastic um fantastic curriculum. Um and they they say when the other party trusts that your motive is to find the

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best possible answer for all concerned, the degree of personal angst involved with disagreement will be dramatically reduced. Um and I love this. I think

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this is so this is so right that when there's when there's trust between things and when the other person really believes that you're looking for the

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best answer for everyone concerned um then then even if they don't like the result um that that angster that pain

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will be dramatically reduced. Um and we'll talk a little bit more about that trust is built before any hard conversation. So um we like to think of

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trust as a savings account, right? every every check-in um every bit of hallway visibility, every kept promise um is is

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a deposit kind of in that savings account. Those hard conversations then um are kind of the withdrawal, right? So they're easier when we've made those

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deposits throughout the year when we've built these layers and layers of trust um so that when the conversation does is hard um it it makes it a much smoother

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process overall. So, um, of course, I know you know all of us know this and many of us know this. Just a good thing to kind of keep in mind and as you're

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reflecting on on how you how you're starting your school year in the in the year to come, thinking about how you build as much trust as early on as

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possible, um, while spirits are still really high and everybody's super excited for the beginning of the school year, um, can really pay pay off um, in future months where things are a little

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bit harder. Um so so going from there um we're going to talk a little bit about a framework that we can use um every time

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for for um for having hard conversations and for helping to figure out you know kind of what to do and and and how to do

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it in that way. Um so we're going to we're going to try a little framework here. Um and then and it's it's kind of five keys. So five keys to hard

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conversations. Um and we're going to go through each one of these in a in its own little way. So um the first is start with positive intent.

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The second is get on the same side of the problem. The third is focus on what you can control. The fourth is destroy

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gossip relentlessly. And the fifth is see the reality, envision the future, and build the path. And each of these

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has a little bit of um some exercises and things that go along with it. Uh but we're going to talk a little bit about each one in turn and talk about how when

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they're pieced together, they really create an opportunity to make to make some um hard conversations much easier.

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So, uh we're going to start with the first one. Start with positive intent.

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Uh so, this is something that this is something that we learned um you know, back in in other jobs of mine. Um the idea of starting with with the thought

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of making sure that you assume positive intent in the other person or if you're helping to manage a hard conversation

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among two staff members. um helping them to understand um making sure that we all believe in a positive outcome and that we are approaching this with positive

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intent. Um so ask everyone involved, do you believe in a positive outcome here?

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And and that's a it's a really important question. Honestly, I have used that question and had that question and had

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employees or team members say, "Actually, I'm not sure I do." And that can sometimes be an opportunity to take

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a pause and say, you know, until we believe in a positive outcome of this conversation, it's probably not going to happen. Uh, and so we're going to we're

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going to pause and wait and figure out what we would need to do in order to uh believe in that positive outcome. So starting with positive intent, asking if

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we believe in a positive outcome, and making sure everyone knows what problem we're solving. Um, so it's that that's all about um really listening, listening

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like you mean it. um and making sure that you agree what's the heart of the matter, what's the problem we're solving, and do we believe in a positive

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outcome? That alone can make any hard conversation much much much easier. Um and from there, we can say, okay, now

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that we've identified that problem, um let's get on the same side of it. This is one of my favorite kind of mental constructs and honestly, um even a

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literal physical um thing that you can do. So, uh there's a there's kind of this idea that when you um when you put a problem between you and another

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person, it becomes a barrier. It's the thing that is physically right there between you and another person. But if you can actually sit on the same side of

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the of the table and put a problem in front of the two of you together, it creates a different it creates a different mindset. It says we are

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looking at this together. Now, you can think about this figuratively where it's where you can just say, you know, I sometimes say with our staff like, "Hey, let's get on the same side of this

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problem together." Um, and we don't actually physically move, but we are we we're doing that in our minds. Um, but sometimes it's actually really helpful

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to physically put a problem on a screen and everybody sit on the same side of the table to look at that problem to say, "Okay, let's look at this problem

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um together, literally uh and see and see what we can solve together." It just kind of puts everybody on equal playing ground um and helps people just really

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see um see that we're all doing the same thing. It also kind of reinforces that positive intent.

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The third is focus on what you can control. Uh so hard conversations can spiral when they're things when they're about things that nobody in the room can

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change. So, if you are having a really hard conversation with someone else and it's completely in the hands of your schoolboard or in somebody that's not in

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the room, um that can be a really spiraling conversation and it can also lead to um kind of gossip and back talk

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and things like that. Um it's not that that that isn't very productive and it typically ends up being an even harder

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conversation down the road. Uh so focusing on the things that you can actually control and that we can actually do um is much better. So, uh,

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one thing that we recommend or like a little idea to try is the start, stop, continue exercise, uh, and have everyone who's involved in the problem, um, work

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on that exercise. So, um, that's where you make a list of, okay, in this situation, uh, we want to start, you know, here are the things we want to

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start doing, here are the things we want to stop doing, and here's the things that we want to continue doing, and see where those things line up.

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The fourth idea uh or the fourth part of this framework is destroy gossip relentlessly. Um I think this is one of the most important things that that

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there um can be when it comes to conflict resolution and hard conversations. Uh so gossip is basically

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all of the friction and none of the resolution of of a hard conversation. So you get you get all of the all hard um

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and difficult painful um and even hurtful sometimes um but you don't get the actual resolution because it's

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happening in back channels where it can't be seen heard or brought into the light. Uh so gossip burns that trust that you've been investing in uh and and it needs to be protected at all costs.

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So protect culture within zero tolerance for gossip. Um, and if you're hearing it or if you are seeing it, um, you can try this where you can say, "Hey, have you

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told that person that? Have you told them that or would you like help telling them that?" Uh, so as to say, you know, we're just going to cut this off uh and

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say, "We're not going to have gossip um in in our in our team or in our building." And ask your team to help also destroy gossip relentlessly

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themselves. Um that's that can be absolutely key uh to making hard conversations much much easier if you're

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not also dealing with a back channel conversation that is happening um that is happening among staff members about that hard conversation. You don't want

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there to be a conversation behind the conversation.

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And finally um see envision and build the future. Oops, I've got a typo there.

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Sorry about that. Uh, so she shouldn't the the former English teacher in the room should not have a typo on her slides, but here we are. Uh, so that's

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uh that this is a really helpful architecture and we're actually going to take ourselves through a little exercise

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um in this architecture as well um of what's true now, what better looks like and what's the path between those two

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things. So what happens is that a lot of conflict conversations or hard conversations talk about what's true now

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or what's the problem and many of them talk about what or what the future state or what things should be but very very

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few of them actually um talk about the real path between those two things. Um so that is that's our that's our little

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framework. Um those five things, those five keys um are something you can kind of keep on a post-it note in your uh in your office or or as part of as part of

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the conversation um if you have one upcoming. And if even if you just apply one or two of them to a hard conversation, it can make it um quite a

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lot easier. Um and so finally, uh the last the last bit is how can I teach other people to do this? And so we're

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going to um we're going to talk about a little bit of an exercise um that I've used actually with with team members in conflict um in the past. Not at alpaca

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of course uh no you know we we never have team members in conflict uh but we uh but in other jobs I've done this um

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and it's it can be really helpful. So um we call this see envision build. Uh and we this is really a little um a little activity or a little bit of work to

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figure out um kind of how two people can resolve a conflict themselves or have you help them resolve a conflict between

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them. Uh so the first one is and then and we kind of chatted about this a bit before uh but the first thing is okay what's true right now? This might not be

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super positive. This might be, you know, a set of challenges, um, some problems to get on the same side of the table of those sorts of things. So, what's true

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now? Uh, what great looks like and what's the bridge, right? So, what's the path between um what's true right now and what great what great looks like.

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Uh, that's really what we're trying to achieve here and what you're trying to ask your teams to do. Uh, so to do that, uh, you give your your participating

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team members some homework. So, it's not just a hard conversation. It's a hard conversation with with homework ahead of it. Uh, and this is and I'll I'll um

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I'll send these out or we'll we'll add them to um to some of the follow-up materials if if anybody would like them or I'm always happy to to help um get

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these for people um as as you wish. Um but when I have done this in the past, I actually gave this homework to

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participating team members and I asked them to part to do um a few different things. So to come to the meeting with things written down for each of these.

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The first one is what's the current reality? So ask questions like what are three things that are going well in your work and three things that aren't? Uh

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what part of what's not going well across our team could you take some ownership of and what part do you play in that? Um what's the number one thing

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making it hard for you personally to do your job right now? And if you could keep one thing the same and change one thing for the team, what would th what would those things be?

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So, this is really the idea here and what you're asking team members to do as they're preparing for a hard conversation um is to be self-reflective

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and to help them really identify what it what's the heart of the matter. What's the what what is the problem we're trying to solve here? Oops.

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The second thing is is what is what does great look like? So then we're asking them to imagine future state. Um so you're asking your team to say what

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would it look like if we as a team we are just firing on all cylinders. So uh describe it as specifically as you can.

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What does it look like for students, for staff, for families? Um what does your team feel like? What does your day-to-day feel like? Uh what if

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everything was going great in this particular realm? What would that look like? What would it look like? And and and what would it feel like specifically? And then the second

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question and I think this is a an even more important one for people participating in the process is what part would you personally like to play

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in that future? Uh where do you envision yourself in that future? What that does is it gives the people that are part of

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this hard conversation the a vision and an ability to see themselves in a great future state um and in a place where

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things are things will be going um really beautifully for their team. This can be a really little tiny thing or it can be a great big thing. Um it can work

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it can work really the the same homework really works really well for either one.

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And then finally what is the path from current to future. So um when you take a look at those two first pieces of homework uh what you know what's the

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current state and what's the future state? Talk about these things. What are the main differences between your described state and your future state?

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Uh what are the five things that you could start doing? What are two things you could stop doing? And what are three things you could ask from someone else

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in this room to help you make this future state happen? Um, and again, what this is doing is is really just putting that actionability in place. So, what

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could we actually do? What could we actually physically control and what could we actually do to start, stop, um, and ask for help um, for the entire

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situation? So together, what that really does is allows you to then sit down with that homework and those participating

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members um and really build that together, build that bridge uh between what's true right now and what grade

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looks like, but with those five that framework in place. So it allows you to start with positive intent. It allows you to get on the same side of the

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problem. uh focus on what you can control, destroy gossip relentlessly uh and see the reality um for the future

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and build that path. Um so that framework I hope I know I went through that you know somewhat quickly uh but I want wanted to make sure that we kind of

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looked at each piece of it. Um, again, I have used this as a leader and as a manager, um, with another indiv, you

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know, with one person whom I'm having a hard conversation with, but I've also used it, um, to teach other team members to use that same homework to do that

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process themselves. Um, as a leader, you don't have to be the the person on every single hard conversation. Um sometimes

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you can uh give that opportunity or that responsibility to your team members um to solve themselves but with a great framework so that you know you actually

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get to a resolution. Um and with all of those things you know remember those those five things. Those are the those

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are the things that um we think really help make that path um a lot smoother and a lot easier. uh if you are if you

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need uh the um start stop continue framework it is on the um alpaca uh resources library so you can you can

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find it over there I just wanted to make sure I remembered to mention that to you um and then we have got a couple of breakout questions here so before we

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break out into into things we've got I have a little bit of um I have a few breakout questions so I'm I'm going to maybe ask um Alyssa to help us kind of

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go in and out of the breakout rooms a few times um just to see if there's anything that we want to share out. But before we jump into those breakout

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meetings and those breakout sessions, um do uh does anybody have any questions or does anybody have any examples um of

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hard conversations that they have seen um handled in a really particularly excellent way um or that they have seen

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um or that they have have handled themselves in a really excellent way.

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and you can come off off of mute if you want to and just talk about it. Nobody.

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All right, then I'm going to put you to the breakout rooms here in a second. Uh here we go. So, uh we talked about a few different things, right? We talked about

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that foundational trust. Um we talked about that framework and then we talked about um kind of how to teach others to do this. So, we're going to I have three

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breakout questions. We're going to start with this one. Um, so if I can have Alyssa break us out. I don't know how many people we have, but um, it could

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either be in partners or it can be in in groups, whatever, whatever Alyssa says.

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Um, but the the question is, uh, what are the ways you work as a leader to build trust with your team? So, what specific actions do you take that you

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see resonating with your teams and building trust? Um and Alyssa, maybe we'll do like three minutes or so um on

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this for people to have that discussion and then um would love it if we could come back if anybody wants to um read

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out or talk about um a couple of ideas or a couple of thoughts that they have.

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We'd love to we'd love to hear those. So Alyssa, can I have you send us to our send us to the rooms?

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You got it. All right. I will bring us back in a few minutes. Okay.

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Uh we were just having a a great conversation uh with with the uh with the team um about the the concept of you

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know what's the act you know how do you actually um stop stop gossip or stop gossip you know relentlessly or prevent

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gossip relentlessly. Um it was a really really cool conversation. I don't know if anybody has any insights on that. Um and I know that I'm keeping you from

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your lunch probably. So um I'm going to let you off here in just a second. I'm going to really really quick um share my screen once more just to and then we're

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and then we're out of here. Um but wanted to just let you know just offer a couple of different quick um a quick

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ideas in case anybody is looking for any more resources on this topic. Um, better culture I mentioned, um, is a really great, um, site for a whole bunch of of

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helpful things, um, in the area of conflict resolution and and great building great culture. Um, both of these books, Crucial Conversations and

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Radical Cander, um, are really um, fantastic for for this topic. Um, and then there's um, the Little Winds uh,

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library where you can find things like start, stop, continue, and things like that as well. So, um, I just want to say thank you so much. Um, this was really,

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really fun to get to be with you and hear about some of the things going on in your schools and districts. Um, even if it's hard conversations. Um, so thank

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you so much. Um, and I'll pass it back to Alyssa to give you your next instructions.